Licey Gail

Heather: You didn’t. 😫

Claudia: Technically I didn’t. My daughter did. I just saw the RID in Gail’s purse, took the pic and Sheila sent it from my phone.

Heather: You/She/Whoever caused mass hysteria. 🤯😱😲

Claudia: I wouldn’t say mass. And, in my/our defense, I wasn’t sure RID was for lice 🕷 (I know that’s a spider – I’m not stupid, but there’s no lice emoji). THAT’S why I was taking the pic – to text Pierce to see if he knew for sure. If he confirmed, I was going to say something. You can’t work backstage with LICE and expect to get away with it, especially when you’re working in HAIR and MAKEUP. 💇🏼‍♀️💄 Sheila got a hold of it before I knew what was happening. She’s in trouble. We’re taking her phone away for 2 hours a day

Heather: Huh

Claudia: Huh is all you have to say? Really we should all thank her. Backstage is safer now because of it. It starts with the volunteer moms. 👯‍♀️ Would you want lice running rampant among our performers? Heaven forbid one of them passes it along to the judges. 👩🏼‍⚖️👨🏼‍⚖️

Heather: They wouldn’t have gotten close to those judges.

Claudia: You never know. Those Musical Theater Awards 🎬🎤👩🏻‍⚖️ judges are tricky! They might pull a performer aside to ask them a question about who really choreographed 🕺the numbers, and then BOOM! Lice. 🐜 (Does an ant look more like lice? I really have no idea) But we lose Best Musical 🎼🥇🏆 thanks to GAIL!!

Heather: She said it was for her son 👩‍👦

Claudia: Whatever. I bet it was her. Licey Gail is her new name. Her hair was all nice and shiny Saturday at rehearsal. I guarantee you it was from washing her hair over and over. And she wore it down, which she never does

Heather: Probably to cover any evidence 🕵🏼‍♀️🔦

Claudia: Exactly! I did the show a favor. Russet should thank me. He doesn’t want to jeopardize Best Director 🎬

Heather: Yes, you did the right thing. You might have saved us from losing Best Musical 🎼🏆

Claudia: Thank you. I’m glad someone can see reason. Changing subjects. Did you see how Linda styled Sheila’s hair? 👱🏼‍♀️It was horrible! As a pro💈, she should know better. It would look so cute in ringlets but she says she doesn’t have time. And of course, I told Sheila not to go anywhere NEAR Gail. Apparently all the kids were lined up for Linda bc no one wanted to go near Licey Gail. Who can blame them? 🤔

Heather: Wait, how hard can ringlets be? It’s just a bunch of curls, right?

Claudia: Yes, and since this is your first time backstage, you know you can’t say anything about Linda being a professional hair stylist. 🤫It would hurt our chances at Best Hair and Makeup. You know it’s supposed to be student-driven ✍🏼

Heather: Yes, they explained all that at the parent meeting. But they didn’t say anything about hair and makeup. Linda’s only doing the leads

Claudia: CLEARLY as she has “no time” for Sheila. Her daughter’s hair will be darling while my daughter will look like she just got out of the shower.🚿 But, no matter, we are moving onward in our household to Operation: Audition

Heather: What is that???

Claudia: Sheila wants to be a lead next year 🎬, and obviously Sophia is her biggest competitor. And it will be hard as a junior. Auditions are in April so we are buckling down on diet, ballet lessons and voice lessons to make sure she gets a lead 🥦💃🏼🎤

Heather: She’s not overweight 👙

Claudia: No, she’s not, but I certainly wouldn’t put her in a 👙! She looked a little flabby during rehearsal the other day. I am going to put her on atkins 🥓or something. I would do that HCG thing but I think that’s old news

Heather: I imagine she’s too young for HCG

Claudia: Prolly, but it worked for me when I did it. I didn’t have to get lipo after I did that for a while.

Heather: She is so talented. I’m sure she’ll get what she wants!

Claudia: She’s good, yes, but I wouldn’t go so far to say talented, She needs to work on a few things to be a true triple threat, you know, fabulous at acting, dancing and singing. I’m also trying to get her into a summer musical theater camp. They call it pre-college 📚

Heather: You’re busy!

Claudia: Yes, and when they announce which musical they’ll be doing next year, you can be sure I’ll dress her appropriately for the audition. Sophia went as a cheerleader to the auditions and got the part over Sheila

Heather: Pre-college doesn’t sound fun

Claudia: I know, but if she wants to be on Broadway 🏙, it’s the only way. Start ‘em young! Gotta run. Pierce is taking me to my favorite Italian place – the chicken alfredo is to die for

Heather: Bye



Letter in the Principal’s Office

Feb. 5

Dear Dr. McClain,

As the only female board member at Oaks Christian High School, I take to heart our mission, A Building with Four Walls and Tomorrow Inside. Even though our school has more than four walls, I do look to the mission of “tomorrow inside” as guidance, a beacon, if you will, as I weigh carefully the future of our beloved high school. I know the other board members carry this burden as well.

Further, as you said in your recent State of the School address, the reputation of OCHS rests upon the shoulders of our elite students and parents, making this a wholesome community that attracts the highest echelon of applicants and faculty.

However, after recent developments, I’m not sure what our tomorrow or our reputation will look like. Both are being sullied as I type.

There is something lurking out there, a threat to the fine work you have done as principal and we as board members. This threat could bring a hammer down on the lofty ideals we have worked so diligently towards.

It has painfully been brought to my attention that Sheila Trainer has been sharing pictures of her breasts on social media. First, this is ghastly unto itself. Why a young girl with a bright future would feel the need to do this is beyond the pale, but there we have it. Moreover, what further demands discussion is the passing along of the pictures. Apparently, they went from student to student to student. The horror of it all. I cannot imagine the PTA meeting when this comes to light. We will be the talk of the town.

I am fairly certain Sheila’s parents do not know about this. I’m sure if they did, they would have already acted. I do not think I am the one to tell them. They will be devastated.

I am terribly sad to relay this news to you, as Sheila has been, until this sad juncture, a stand-up student. Her family has been a pillar of success and determination in our community. Why, at our small, Christian middle school, she won every award at least once. I know at OCHS she has performed exceedingly well but we simply cannot afford to lose our good reputation over Miss Trainer’s whims and poor judgment.

Please act quickly. We cannot waste any time, as re-enrollment begins shortly. This needs to be quashed. I trust my good name will be kept out of this nasty situation. I do not want to be part of the insidious Houston gossip mill.

Thank you for all you hard work in furthering our mission – A Building with Four Walls and Tomorrow Inside.

Very Sincerely Yours,

Helen Smithson

Secretary of the Board

Oaks Christian High School

Dear Diary, don’t ask how I found this letter. Okay, fine, I’ll tell you. It was sitting on McClain’s desk when I was called in to talk about Jack Jr and this cheating thing, which I’m thankful to say he’s been cleared of, after a bit of arguing and much gnashing of teeth.

Anyways, years of teaching kindergarten gave me the ability to read upside down. And so my nosy self was glancing over his desk, as one tends to do when left alone for a moment. The words “Sheila Trainer” caught my eye under some papers. I discreetly moved said papers, got out my phone and took a picture. HORRIBLE I know.

Let me get this out of the way before you judge me for being an uncaring person. I am heartbroken for Shelia. She’s always been a nice kid. As Helen said, she won every award at our middle school, which was a tad annoying, but there were only fifteen in the grade and how could she not be in the top of the class with a mother like Smother Mother Claudia herself?

There are four Trainer children with Sheila being the oldest, and all of them are the epitome of perfection. Clothes ironed, matching bows expertly chosen, report cards to die for and enviable behavior. I marveled at how Claudia did it, when I couldn’t wait to get back in bed after drop off. Did the woman ever sleep? Are the children truly happy, or are they living out their mother’s need for something? Control? Popularity? Clearly there is more to it.

And Claudia. CLAUDIA. Always happy, always smiling. Every now and then I see a flicker of something, maybe unhappiness, maybe concern, maybe dismay, but it certainly never makes its way down to her smile. It’s momentarily in her eyes. There and gone, just like that.

Back when I was thinner and more involved in the social scene, Claudia laughingly told me she had a secret goal of getting a statue of Sheila erected in the school’s courtyard because she did so much good for the school. I was mortified because A) It wasn’t a secret at that point if you’re telling little ol’ me. B) Who in their right mind thinks that? Even if you’re supposedly joking, who thinks as far as erecting a statue for your own CHILD? And even if you thought it, who would say it OUT LOUD?

So, out of all this, how could Sheila possibly end up normal?

And, Dear Diary, having been out of the loop for so long trying to keep my marriage together, it’s kinda nice to know something before Claudia Trainer knows it. I know, I know, I’m a tad bit embarrassed at my joy. But it’s one of those moments where you’re just honest-to-goodness, bless their hearts, truly thankful it isn’t your kid. And I say that knowing full well it could be my kid, if not now, then possibly one day.

So let me have my smug moment. It’ll morph shortly into compassion and concern, but, for now, let me revel in life’s karma for just a bit.

I’m off to walk. I know, I’m EXERCISING. But the stupid new me! guide said to do it, so here I am in my workout clothes I bought years ago, lacing up my old shoes I dug through my closet to find. I’ll be happy if I can make it a mile.


Smother Mothers Text

Claudia: Sitting in the derm’s office. Getting vampire facial. 🧛🏻‍♀️ Have to get my arm pricked but whatevs. 💉 Guess who I saw? Hint: she looked like she came back from the dead

Heather: DO NOT SAY GAIL FUCKING SCHROEDER. Because I saw her too! Up at school. And what the hell is a vampire facial? And where did you see her? SO MANY QUESTIONS

Claudia: OMG you saw her too? DYING. In the plus size section at Target. She’s gained a ton of weight. I mean, maybe I would have if my husband had left me for practically Heidi Klum👙 but whatever. What was she doing up at school?

Heather: I don’t know but she was mad AF 🤬. Looked like she was heading to McClain’s office. She was yelling. Her arms were flailing. She needs a new bra. Her boobs were bouncing all over the place.

Claudia: There’s a vision I could do without 🙈

Heather: No kidding. The only other time I’ve seen her is when she comes to a rolling stop at school to drop off Jack Jr. And then it’s only her head

Claudia: Yah, I see her then, but really it’s just the tip top of her hair because she sits so dang low in the car, I guess? And how about a haircut? 💇🏻‍♀️ How much fun Michael, you know my haircutter, would have with that hot mess.

Heather: Yes, I know Michael. Been trying to get in for months 🤷🏻‍♀️

Claudia: OMG do you think she was at school bc Jack Jr was part of that cheating thing? Where those boys got sent to the alternative school? Has Noah said anything?

Heather: No, Noah hit puberty, and his mouth shut. I wouldn’t doubt it about Jack Jr. He looks a little conniving to me. Those eyes.

Claudia: YES! Those beady eyes. 👁 But he’s never been a trouble maker. Grill Noah when he gets home, and I’ll do the same with Ava. We have to know these things. That has to be why she was up there. And speaking of knowing things, WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME IT WAS JACK JR WHO WALKED IN ON JACK AND SHERYL?😫😡 I have incorrectly assumed this whole time it was Gail who caught them!

Heather: OMG I’m so sorry! I thought you knew? How did that come up??

Claudia: I was telling her how sorry I was that she walked in, and she was all no….  it was Jack Jr. Awkward! And I died because how could I not know?!? 🤨 I know everything! And, touchy I know and obvs I didn’t ask her, but does anyone know where they were in the act? SO CURIOUS if clothed 🤷‍♀️

Heather: I don’t think anyone has dared ask exactly where they were in the process. Poor kid. Are you still sitting in the waiting room? That’s a pain

Claudia: YES. He must be running late, and not sure I’ll make Pilates after this. So, vampire facials. They prick your blood and put it on your face or something. Kim K gets them

Heather: Fascinating. Send me a pic when you’re done. What else happened with Gail?

Claudia: Okay. I offered again to set up a meal train. Trying to be nice. Clearly she doesn’t need it though. Poor thing 😓

Heather: Well, that was thoughtful of you anyway. Nope, don’t think she needs more dinners. Maybe a bra fitting?

Claudia: Exactly! don’t know why she gained all that weight. In dr. office now. Got called back finally.

Heather: Well 🙌🏼 🙌🏼 I’m sure she didn’t gain it on purpose. She’s been through a lot.

Claudia: True that, but how hard is it really? Put your fork down and walk away. OR only eat half of what’s on your plate. 🍽 That’s what I do. A bit of will power and BOOM! Okay, off to read. They have the latest People here with Meghan and Harry. Wanna make sure I haven’t missed anything

Heather: Send pic. Bye