Licey Gail

Heather: You didn’t. 😫

Claudia: Technically I didn’t. My daughter did. I just saw the RID in Gail’s purse, took the pic and Sheila sent it from my phone.

Heather: You/She/Whoever caused mass hysteria. 🤯😱😲

Claudia: I wouldn’t say mass. And, in my/our defense, I wasn’t sure RID was for lice 🕷 (I know that’s a spider – I’m not stupid, but there’s no lice emoji). THAT’S why I was taking the pic – to text Pierce to see if he knew for sure. If he confirmed, I was going to say something. You can’t work backstage with LICE and expect to get away with it, especially when you’re working in HAIR and MAKEUP. 💇🏼‍♀️💄 Sheila got a hold of it before I knew what was happening. She’s in trouble. We’re taking her phone away for 2 hours a day

Heather: Huh

Claudia: Huh is all you have to say? Really we should all thank her. Backstage is safer now because of it. It starts with the volunteer moms. 👯‍♀️ Would you want lice running rampant among our performers? Heaven forbid one of them passes it along to the judges. 👩🏼‍⚖️👨🏼‍⚖️

Heather: They wouldn’t have gotten close to those judges.

Claudia: You never know. Those Musical Theater Awards 🎬🎤👩🏻‍⚖️ judges are tricky! They might pull a performer aside to ask them a question about who really choreographed 🕺the numbers, and then BOOM! Lice. 🐜 (Does an ant look more like lice? I really have no idea) But we lose Best Musical 🎼🥇🏆 thanks to GAIL!!

Heather: She said it was for her son 👩‍👦

Claudia: Whatever. I bet it was her. Licey Gail is her new name. Her hair was all nice and shiny Saturday at rehearsal. I guarantee you it was from washing her hair over and over. And she wore it down, which she never does

Heather: Probably to cover any evidence 🕵🏼‍♀️🔦

Claudia: Exactly! I did the show a favor. Russet should thank me. He doesn’t want to jeopardize Best Director 🎬

Heather: Yes, you did the right thing. You might have saved us from losing Best Musical 🎼🏆

Claudia: Thank you. I’m glad someone can see reason. Changing subjects. Did you see how Linda styled Sheila’s hair? 👱🏼‍♀️It was horrible! As a pro💈, she should know better. It would look so cute in ringlets but she says she doesn’t have time. And of course, I told Sheila not to go anywhere NEAR Gail. Apparently all the kids were lined up for Linda bc no one wanted to go near Licey Gail. Who can blame them? 🤔

Heather: Wait, how hard can ringlets be? It’s just a bunch of curls, right?

Claudia: Yes, and since this is your first time backstage, you know you can’t say anything about Linda being a professional hair stylist. 🤫It would hurt our chances at Best Hair and Makeup. You know it’s supposed to be student-driven ✍🏼

Heather: Yes, they explained all that at the parent meeting. But they didn’t say anything about hair and makeup. Linda’s only doing the leads

Claudia: CLEARLY as she has “no time” for Sheila. Her daughter’s hair will be darling while my daughter will look like she just got out of the shower.🚿 But, no matter, we are moving onward in our household to Operation: Audition

Heather: What is that???

Claudia: Sheila wants to be a lead next year 🎬, and obviously Sophia is her biggest competitor. And it will be hard as a junior. Auditions are in April so we are buckling down on diet, ballet lessons and voice lessons to make sure she gets a lead 🥦💃🏼🎤

Heather: She’s not overweight 👙

Claudia: No, she’s not, but I certainly wouldn’t put her in a 👙! She looked a little flabby during rehearsal the other day. I am going to put her on atkins 🥓or something. I would do that HCG thing but I think that’s old news

Heather: I imagine she’s too young for HCG

Claudia: Prolly, but it worked for me when I did it. I didn’t have to get lipo after I did that for a while.

Heather: She is so talented. I’m sure she’ll get what she wants!

Claudia: She’s good, yes, but I wouldn’t go so far to say talented, She needs to work on a few things to be a true triple threat, you know, fabulous at acting, dancing and singing. I’m also trying to get her into a summer musical theater camp. They call it pre-college 📚

Heather: You’re busy!

Claudia: Yes, and when they announce which musical they’ll be doing next year, you can be sure I’ll dress her appropriately for the audition. Sophia went as a cheerleader to the auditions and got the part over Sheila

Heather: Pre-college doesn’t sound fun

Claudia: I know, but if she wants to be on Broadway 🏙, it’s the only way. Start ‘em young! Gotta run. Pierce is taking me to my favorite Italian place – the chicken alfredo is to die for

Heather: Bye

 

 

Smother Mothers Text

Claudia: Sitting in the derm’s office. Getting vampire facial. 🧛🏻‍♀️ Have to get my arm pricked but whatevs. 💉 Guess who I saw? Hint: she looked like she came back from the dead

Heather: DO NOT SAY GAIL FUCKING SCHROEDER. Because I saw her too! Up at school. And what the hell is a vampire facial? And where did you see her? SO MANY QUESTIONS

Claudia: OMG you saw her too? DYING. In the plus size section at Target. She’s gained a ton of weight. I mean, maybe I would have if my husband had left me for practically Heidi Klum👙 but whatever. What was she doing up at school?

Heather: I don’t know but she was mad AF 🤬. Looked like she was heading to McClain’s office. She was yelling. Her arms were flailing. She needs a new bra. Her boobs were bouncing all over the place.

Claudia: There’s a vision I could do without 🙈

Heather: No kidding. The only other time I’ve seen her is when she comes to a rolling stop at school to drop off Jack Jr. And then it’s only her head

Claudia: Yah, I see her then, but really it’s just the tip top of her hair because she sits so dang low in the car, I guess? And how about a haircut? 💇🏻‍♀️ How much fun Michael, you know my haircutter, would have with that hot mess.

Heather: Yes, I know Michael. Been trying to get in for months 🤷🏻‍♀️

Claudia: OMG do you think she was at school bc Jack Jr was part of that cheating thing? Where those boys got sent to the alternative school? Has Noah said anything?

Heather: No, Noah hit puberty, and his mouth shut. I wouldn’t doubt it about Jack Jr. He looks a little conniving to me. Those eyes.

Claudia: YES! Those beady eyes. 👁 But he’s never been a trouble maker. Grill Noah when he gets home, and I’ll do the same with Ava. We have to know these things. That has to be why she was up there. And speaking of knowing things, WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME IT WAS JACK JR WHO WALKED IN ON JACK AND SHERYL?😫😡 I have incorrectly assumed this whole time it was Gail who caught them!

Heather: OMG I’m so sorry! I thought you knew? How did that come up??

Claudia: I was telling her how sorry I was that she walked in, and she was all no….  it was Jack Jr. Awkward! And I died because how could I not know?!? 🤨 I know everything! And, touchy I know and obvs I didn’t ask her, but does anyone know where they were in the act? SO CURIOUS if clothed 🤷‍♀️

Heather: I don’t think anyone has dared ask exactly where they were in the process. Poor kid. Are you still sitting in the waiting room? ⏳ That’s a pain

Claudia: YES. He must be running late, and not sure I’ll make Pilates after this. So, vampire facials. They prick your blood and put it on your face or something. Kim K gets them

Heather: Fascinating. Send me a pic when you’re done. What else happened with Gail?

Claudia: Okay. I offered again to set up a meal train. Trying to be nice. Clearly she doesn’t need it though. Poor thing 😓

Heather: Well, that was thoughtful of you anyway. Nope, don’t think she needs more dinners. Maybe a bra fitting?

Claudia: Exactly! don’t know why she gained all that weight. In dr. office now. Got called back finally.

Heather: Well 🙌🏼 🙌🏼 I’m sure she didn’t gain it on purpose. She’s been through a lot.

Claudia: True that, but how hard is it really? Put your fork down and walk away. OR only eat half of what’s on your plate. 🍽 That’s what I do. A bit of will power and BOOM! Okay, off to read. They have the latest People here with Meghan and Harry. Wanna make sure I haven’t missed anything

Heather: Send pic. Bye