Feb. 13
Dear Diary,
Leslie Jones commentating on the Olympics is giving me life right now. I am watching it on NBC of course, but following her on Twitter makes me laugh. I spit coffee on my computer the other day. It’s been a long time since I’ve laughed like that.
I am a little bothered because under USA’s snowboards it says “NOBADAY.” I guess they’re a sponsor or something. What would I know from tropical, hurricane-ridden Houston? I get that it’s supposed to mean No Bad Day, but instead it reads to me like “Nobody” but with an “A” where the second “O” is. Nobaday. Nobady. Or then it also reads Nobaddy, as in No Baddy. It’s disturbing.
Nothing much to report. My therapist asked me how A New Me! is coming, and I didn’t have much to say. I haven’t weighed and, let me tell you, that is life changing. I quit weighing regularly about five years ago. Clearly, it hasn’t helped me lose weight, but it has taken away some of the anxiety. Think about it, Dear Diary, my weight going either direction leads me to want to eat. Gained weight? I’m going to eat because I’m sad. Lost weight? Let’s celebrate! And by “let’s celebrate,” I mean I’m walking to the pantry by myself to see if I have any Doritos.
I know normal people don’t think that way, but I’m not anywhere near normal when it comes to food. Now I judge it by the way my clothes feel. They are looser. I’m excited about that but not thinking about it too much. I will want to celebrate by eating, and that’s not the point.
I wonder if all my focus on food is what drove Jack away. All I could think about was how much I weighed. He’s a normal eater. He makes decent food choices and stops eating when he’s hungry. That baffles me. At McDonald’s, he orders the Happy Meal. Who does that over the age of ten? I get out my food tracking app, see if hope beyond hope I could fit in a Quarter Pounder and medium fries and still have a decent meal at dinner. I never could, but one can always try. AND he wouldn’t eat the fries. I would stare at them as they remained untouched, amazed. I was too ashamed to ask him if I could have them.
That’s all I have. All this talk about food has depressed me now so I’m going to get in bed and dream about what I can’t eat. Maybe A New Me! will have more next week. I signed up to help with hair and makeup for Lucy’s high school musical. I had no idea when I signed up that I would basically have to be there all week, but it’ll be okay I guess. I need to get out of the house. Jack is helping with Jack Jr. I guess it’ll be good for them to hang out with each other. Lucy’s a bit mortified that I’m going to be backstage but isn’t it my job to embarrass her a little? Maybe we can have some No Bay Days together.
Good night.
Gail Schroeder Words 