Smother Mothers Text

Claudia: Sitting in the derm’s office. Getting vampire facial. 🧛🏻‍♀️ Have to get my arm pricked but whatevs. 💉 Guess who I saw? Hint: she looked like she came back from the dead

Heather: DO NOT SAY GAIL FUCKING SCHROEDER. Because I saw her too! Up at school. And what the hell is a vampire facial? And where did you see her? SO MANY QUESTIONS

Claudia: OMG you saw her too? DYING. In the plus size section at Target. She’s gained a ton of weight. I mean, maybe I would have if my husband had left me for practically Heidi Klum👙 but whatever. What was she doing up at school?

Heather: I don’t know but she was mad AF 🤬. Looked like she was heading to McClain’s office. She was yelling. Her arms were flailing. She needs a new bra. Her boobs were bouncing all over the place.

Claudia: There’s a vision I could do without 🙈

Heather: No kidding. The only other time I’ve seen her is when she comes to a rolling stop at school to drop off Jack Jr. And then it’s only her head

Claudia: Yah, I see her then, but really it’s just the tip top of her hair because she sits so dang low in the car, I guess? And how about a haircut? 💇🏻‍♀️ How much fun Michael, you know my haircutter, would have with that hot mess.

Heather: Yes, I know Michael. Been trying to get in for months 🤷🏻‍♀️

Claudia: OMG do you think she was at school bc Jack Jr was part of that cheating thing? Where those boys got sent to the alternative school? Has Noah said anything?

Heather: No, Noah hit puberty, and his mouth shut. I wouldn’t doubt it about Jack Jr. He looks a little conniving to me. Those eyes.

Claudia: YES! Those beady eyes. 👁 But he’s never been a trouble maker. Grill Noah when he gets home, and I’ll do the same with Ava. We have to know these things. That has to be why she was up there. And speaking of knowing things, WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME IT WAS JACK JR WHO WALKED IN ON JACK AND SHERYL?😫😡 I have incorrectly assumed this whole time it was Gail who caught them!

Heather: OMG I’m so sorry! I thought you knew? How did that come up??

Claudia: I was telling her how sorry I was that she walked in, and she was all no….  it was Jack Jr. Awkward! And I died because how could I not know?!? 🤨 I know everything! And, touchy I know and obvs I didn’t ask her, but does anyone know where they were in the act? SO CURIOUS if clothed 🤷‍♀️

Heather: I don’t think anyone has dared ask exactly where they were in the process. Poor kid. Are you still sitting in the waiting room? That’s a pain

Claudia: YES. He must be running late, and not sure I’ll make Pilates after this. So, vampire facials. They prick your blood and put it on your face or something. Kim K gets them

Heather: Fascinating. Send me a pic when you’re done. What else happened with Gail?

Claudia: Okay. I offered again to set up a meal train. Trying to be nice. Clearly she doesn’t need it though. Poor thing 😓

Heather: Well, that was thoughtful of you anyway. Nope, don’t think she needs more dinners. Maybe a bra fitting?

Claudia: Exactly! don’t know why she gained all that weight. In dr. office now. Got called back finally.

Heather: Well 🙌🏼 🙌🏼 I’m sure she didn’t gain it on purpose. She’s been through a lot.

Claudia: True that, but how hard is it really? Put your fork down and walk away. OR only eat half of what’s on your plate. 🍽 That’s what I do. A bit of will power and BOOM! Okay, off to read. They have the latest People here with Meghan and Harry. Wanna make sure I haven’t missed anything

Heather: Send pic. Bye

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