Dear Diary

Dec. 31

Woohoo! New Year’s Eve is my favorite holiday! Said no one ever. It’s worse than Valentine’s Day, and I should know having faced my first one as a single mom this year. Yes, that was horrible, but NYE is harder by far. You are coming down from this delightful holiday, filled with family and friends, with all the grandeur of the décor and the delicious food and the magical thinking. It is all so wonderful, and then BOOM, NYE comes in with all its resolutions and goals you know you can’t attain, complete with memories of failed attempts and reminds you that you suck.

I haven’t made resolutions in a while because I am 45, and I know better. I’m not sure I’ve ever stuck to a resolution, even when I purposely chose something easy, like taking the trash out regularly. And I’m not sure I should start now, with an already bruised and battered self-esteem, but here I am. I found a guide on social media that promises to make 2018 my best year yet, which makes me chuckle because good luck with that, but what have I got to lose? I’m sixty pounds overweight, which is probably closer to seventy by now because who gets on a scale during the holidays? Not me, especially while I have these red and green cookies in my hand.

This guide to a new me says to journal. YAY ME! One down. Because what am I doing right now? YOU GOT IT. I’m journaling, just like Oprah. (Who should run for president for sure but that’s another entry. I would also like to see Kathie Lee as president but not sure that would catch as much traction.)

I’ve got one thing down, right? I’m feeling good. So good, in fact, I should treat myself to another cookie.

It also says to meditate for fifteen minutes. Just writing that brings up tons of anxiety. I think I’m going to die. Who does this guide think I am, Ghandi? Nelson Mandela? I may have to go back to that one. The app says to start slow. I may have to start with a minute. I don’t know if I can sit still with my own thoughts for more than that. In silence. Not moving. I’ll start with a minute. Maybe 30 seconds. Tomorrow.

The stupid guide says to write down my goals and record my progress, which of course makes me laugh again, because based on past experience there will be no progress, but, hey, I’m winning because I AM JOURNALING and that should count for something.

Here are my goals for 2018.

1. Lose 60 (maybe 70) pounds. I’m too scared to weigh. Which diet should I do? I know the answer to this one. None of them. No paleo, no Atkins, no low-carb this or that. When I have been successful at losing weight, it’s been by cooking most of my food and weighing and measuring every meal at home, with a larger portion of protein, fruits and veggies, and a smaller measurement of carbs and fat. Three meals a day, a piece of fruit or a small serving of protein if I get hungry. And also going to a support group. (Love how I throw this in. It is the most helpful thing though. More on that later.)

And, that’s it. That is all. I know what you’re asking, my dear diary. What? Shouldn’t you aim for more? Shouldn’t you try something spiritual, like improving your iffy church attendance? How selfish can you be? A weight goal seems awfully self-centered. Weight is all about you. What about community service or something? At least maybe try to read more novels.

My answer to you, dear diary, is thanks but I’m good. Journaling plus meditation,

which will lead me to church because I’ll need Jesus to sit still, plus working on my weight is all this girl can handle right now. Besides that, I am barely a year into my divorce, and I am raising my teenage children, who choose spending time with a device over me. And my hormones are all goofy from menopause. I’m nauseous and feel like I’m pregnant. At 45.

And I will have to find a way to deal with all of this. It will not be easy. In the past, when I successfully lost weight, it brought up an emotional trove which I had to mine. It can be painful and scary, but it was worth it for the growth I experienced and the peace I felt. And not giving in to the food all the dang time. And I will journal all of this, no matter how hard. So there – I will still be winning, even if the scale isn’t going in the right direction.

So, 2018, what will you bring? According to the guide, a new me! The life I’ve always wanted! Because it’s time for my dreams to come true! I don’t know if all of this will happen, but I’m ready to take you on, 2018. I’m hopeful.